I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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