dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
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Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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