Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
