Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
