I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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