Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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