cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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