I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
