I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
