The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
