Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
