Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
