There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
