i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
