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I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
two words...techno handjob
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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