why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
