Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i drank out of a bidet.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
