forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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