i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…