so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Are my feet made of real feet?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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