she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
