sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
