I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i drank out of a bidet.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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