dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
