what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
