Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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