He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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