so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
