i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
