theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
