it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
