she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
