theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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