Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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