i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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