it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
