we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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