Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.