she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.