You smell like a Billy Joel song
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
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I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
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He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You've changed since you got that strap on
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.