Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
