I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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