If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I cut my penus on the lid.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
