Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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