i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
