I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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