I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
