Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
