you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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