I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
