The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
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he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
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We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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