in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
