I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
