Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
