If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
