she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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