I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
