The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
