They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
