he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
