Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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